Fiat Lux.

I’m terrible when it comes to myself. Not proactive at all. My life, my relationships with my family, my emotions, and my mental state. I need to start learning to do this, to work on myself so I can open others into my life. Instead of faking the appearance that I have everything perfectly, when in reality, I have so much to work on. To not let others depends on me until I truly can let them do it. Without doing this, I would never be comfortable in an intimate relationship, one that’s emotionally close.

I need to stop trying to help other people. Unity was amazing and all, but ultimately did nothing for my personal growth. In trying to give to others, I’ve stopped enabling my own growth and I’ve grown stagnant.

Must. Love. Self. More.

I could die happy to wake up like this.

We’re not meant to last forever. We’re only temporary.

Both relationships and our lives.

This is how I imagine the world to look like, and the universe. This reminds me of fireflies flocking in the distance, humans flickering in their cities, and solar systems revolving in airy clouds of infinite. Duplications of each other, some how connected just by that little fact.

It’s scary how appealing this picture can be to me.

So nice and serene.

I could never agree to the things you want because I know no matter what I tell myself, ultimately I’m someone that thrives off of physical affection. I will end up loving you.

How can I love you when I don’t even like you?

And therein lives the problem.

Not to mention my biggest fears revolve giving up my own emotional security to another person. Or even just trust that deals with more intimate matters.

I really hate myself sometimes when I realize that I have such a lack of focus with my own life. Why is it that I can advise other people so well and tell them what they can do with their life but not work out my own?

I’m not a jealous person but I am very possessive. Of the people I consider close to me, at least.

I write words so they won’t fade away. I take pictures so memories won’t disappear.

— Rachel Naomi Remen

— Irwin D. Yalom

— Pablo Casals

So tripped out yo. What if the world was vertical? What if we walked upwards and downwards from the side. How the fuck would things grow. For the next few days = mind preoccupied. I’m so easily diverted.